Part 2 of 2
For those waiting with bated breath, here is how the Arkansas football soap opera developed. All events are listed chronologically and assigned a score of "already" or "not yet" depending on whether they reflect redemption or depravity, kingdom or chaos, good or evil. For a complete description of the characters involved, please see Part 1.
Already: December 1997 - Boise State head coach Houston Dale Nutt emerges from page 2 of JFB's short list to become the new Head Hog. HDN, a former QB under JFB before transferring to Okie State, openly campaigns for the job with messianic rhetoric about national championships, exciting offense, and "building a fence" around the state to keep blue-chip recruits from grazing in the greener pastures of Tennessee, Texas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana (note: no fence is needed along the Missouri and Mississippi borders; cattle don't graze on gravel).
Not Yet: December 1997 - As HDN leaves Boise State, one of his former Blue-Turf-Broncos calls him a "used car salesman."
Not Yet: August 1998 - HDN is spotted every day during two-a-days wearing a wide brimmed straw hat, leading to speculation that he might really be a used car salesman.
Already: Fall 1998 - In his first season, Nutt rejuvenates the Arkansas offense. The team opens the season by routing previous flesh thorn SMU and streaks to an 8-0 record and #10 national ranking.
Not Yet: November 14, 1998 - After pounding #1 Tennessee for three quarters in Knoxville, the infamous "Stoerner Stumble Fumble" helps the Hogs snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. After the game, I listen to a fat "Italian" singer at the Knoxville Macaroni Grill belt out a full-throated tenor version of Rocky Top while I water down my Farfalle Con Pollo Al Sugo Bianco with tears. Not to worry, the Hogs will still get to play Tennessee again in the SEC Championship Ga....uh, nevermind, we lose the next week to Mississippi State and go on to the "You can't spell Citrus with out UT" Bowl where we lose again to Michigan.
Already/Not Yet: 1999-2003 Seasons. The Middle Ages of the HDN era are marked by triumph mixed with sorrow. The Hogs go to a bowl in each of these seasons and have several signature wins such as avenging Tennessee in 1999, thrashing Texas in the 2000 Cotton Bowl, Jones to Birmingham to Atlanta for a "Miracle on Markham" over LSU in 2002, and whipping the Horns again in Austin in 2003. But many Hog fans worry that the team is underachieving and pressure mounts on HDN.
Not Yet: June 2003. Rumors swirl about the pending NCAA investigation into Arkansas football, which is prompted when one of JFB's deep-pocketed backers, Dallas trucking magnate Ted Herrod, "employs" a few non-truckers who happened to be Arkansas athletes. These employees seem to have a hard time working the hours commensurate with their salaries. Sensing JFB's vulnerability, Chancellor John White tries to carpe diem. White has always wanted to turn the UA into a bona fide Georgia Tech, and replacing good ole boy JFB with Women's Athletic Director Bev Lewis seems like a step in the right direction. But just before the coup, Big Jim descends from the heavens, puts his hand over White's mouth and said, "Don't move or I'll break your neck." JFB gets a five year contract extension and White gets to keep his job so long as he confines his Chancelloring to matters not involving balls.
Not Yet: December 2003. Because of the low-altitude NCAA Cloud hanging over Fayetteville, nobody sees a small private plane approaching. But on a cool December evening, a University of Nebraska jet lands at Drake Field, kills its lights, and tries to coast into a hanger unnoticed. The plan is for HDN to pack his family, leave in the middle of the night, and fly away to become the next Colonel Cornhusker. But someone tells Big Jim who once again descends from the heavens, this time with a bag of money and Get Out of Jail Free cards. Big Jim gives HDN a big raise and a wink-wink "two year pass" that will allow him to endure two losing seasons while the NCAA Cloud dissipates.
Not Yet: 2004 & 2005 Seasons. HDN makes full use of his two year pass by going 5-6 and 4-7. At this point, the Springdale Mafia is enraged and makes plans to replace HDN with hometown hero Butch Davis, recovering from depression after coaching in Cleveland. Flush with money from selling lots of chicken feet to the Chinese, Razor-Rooster Don Tyson offers to buy-out HDN and feed Butch Davis like family.
Not Yet: December 2005. As recruiting season heats up, all eyes are on Springdale, 10 minutes down the freeway from Fayetteville. Under Gus, the Bulldogs have won two state championships and have five of the top-rated offensive recruits in the country: GatoradeParadeUSATodaySportsIllustratedESPN.comRivals high school player of the year Mitch Mustain (QB), Damian Williams (WR), Bartley Webb (OL), Andrew Norman (WR) and Ben Cleveland (TE). Previously committed to the Razorbacks, Mitch withdraws his pledge, opening a Charlie Weiss size hole in HDN's fence. Williams (Florida), Webb (Notre Dame) and Cleveland (Florida) all run through the open fence so they don't have to play in HDN's run right, run left offense.
Already: December 2005. Days after Mitch's de-commit, JFB tells HDN he has to hire an offensive coordinator. Lucky for HDN, Gus is looking for a college job, and he is soon announced as the new Arkansas OC. Hog fans dream of 4-wide shotgun formations in hurry-up-no-huddle style (henceforth "HUNH," in Arkie-speak).
Already: January 2006. With Gus on board to run the HUNH at Arkansas, Mitch, Damian Williams, and Andrew Norman all about-face and commit to be Hogs.
Not Yet: August 2006. Rumors swirl that Gus is not being treated very nicely by the other children on the playground. The Murray State Mafia calls him "high school" and tries to disrupt the installation of his HUNH.
Not Yet: September 2006. The Hogs open the season vs. USC with the HUNH firing on all cylinders. For three plays. Then RB Felix Jones fumbles and USC goes on to a 50-14 whuppin. The only bright spot comes late in the 4th quarter when Mitch comes in and runs the HUNH to perfection for a TD. After the game, JFB decrees that the HUNH be scrapped in favor of a power run that will feature RBs Jones and eventual Heisman runner-up Darren McFadden. Mitch is announced as the new QB to execute the power-run offense.
Already/Not Yet: September - November 2006. After USC, the Hogs go on a 10-win streak and lock up the SEC West title. However, eight games into the run, undefeated Mitch is benched in favor of last year's QB Casey Dick. "Iv'e got a quick trigger," boasts HDN. Casey's performance is spotty, but Nutt's trigger finger relaxes.
Not Yet: November 2006 - January 2007. The Hogs lose their last three games of the season against LSU, Florida (SEC Championship Game) and Wisconsin (Cap One Bowl). Casey Dick's play is spotty. Mitch watches. During bowl practice, the parents of Mitch, Damian Williams, and Ben Cleveland ask for a meeting with JFB where they air their frustration with HDN's offense. After the meeting, Beck (Mitch's momma) issues a press release saying HDN is the head coach. Meanwhile, a book about Springdale's last season, Year of the Dog is released, in which youthful Mitch is quoted as saying "Ole Houston has lost it." Meanwhile, Damian Williams asks for a release and transfers west to USC. Meanwhile, an email written by an HDN-friend to Mitch calling him an assortment of ugly names is made public. Meanwhile, JFB appears at a booster club in Dallas and says Gus' spread offense can never win in the SEC. Meanwhile, Florida wins the national championship running said offense. Meanwhile, Gus announces that he is leaving to become Co-OC at football powerhouse Tulsa. Meanwhile, Mitch announces he will not play for the Hogs again. Summary: The Hogs lose games. The Springdale Mafia loses its cool. JFB loses his mind. The Hogs lose an OC, WR, and QB. HDN loses a bunch of car sales.
Not Yet: February 2007. Big Jim withdraws his protection and JFB announces he will become "Ath-uh-letic Directuh Emeuhtus."
Score-to-date:
Not Yet - 13
Already - 6
Interpretation: When Arkansas wins the Big One, you'll know the Apocalypse has come.
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